Crossing The Ocean Of Hope

Hi,
I am a 30 years old Asian female who has been in America for 4 years now. For these years, I have been struggling through my career and relationship and very sadly to say that I have not any of this yet. I am now unemployed, stuck at my boyfriend's home where our relationship is dead with no friends or family to turn to. I am very depressed each day filled with my loneliness and boredom. I have think about suicide a few times, I've been talking to myself every now and then, cursing and blaming on myself. I always ended up on Craigslist to look for things to do and to meet new people and so far, I haven't find any luck yet. Then, I found you and I would like to express myself to you.

I would like to start my story about my current relationship with my boyfriend. We have been together for 2 years now. I do love him but for some reasons, things always don't work out for us. It seems like there is nothing common in us and we never get to compromised. Most of our time were spent either arguing or not talking to each other at all. My boyfriend is 15 years older than me and he is a Caucasian. He daily life include working from 9am-7pm and the remaining hours would be spent drinking beers, smoking cigars, watching TV and playing with his dog. The only time that he would pay attention to me is the time when he needs to have sex with me or when he needs me to look after his dog. Whenever I try to create a conversation with him, he would show no sign of interest by saying that he has been working all day and he doesn't feel like talking. I do not really mind that he works long hours everyday but when he comes home, he doesn't even want to spend some time with me. Being all by myself here with no friend or family in the America, he is all I got and when he ignores me, it pushes me further to my own world of loneliness. I was not allowed to have my own pet in his house while he can be so obsessed with his own pet. So, when he was sitting there on the couch drinking and smoking and patting his favorite dog in front of his favorite TV shows, I am left with the options of joining him with silence or hiding in the room all by myself. We both know that we don't get along. We are just two different people. Unlike normal couples, we don't go out anymore or even dine together anymore.

I still love him very much. The short happy moments that we used to share together always play in my mind and it is what keeps me to still put hope on him. One day, he told me that he is very undependable and do not put hope on him. He needs a woman who can support him physically, mentally and financially. He expects me to help him to pay half of the mortgage, the groceries and also all the utilities bill. He told me that he cannot support me when I am not working. He told me that he is broke now and he can't even support himself right now. I am very disappointed as to why he claims himself broke when he can still spend hundreds of dollars each month on his beer and cigar, hundreds of dollars on his monthly dog expenses and also hundreds of dollars to drive a new 5 series BMW? Is it because that he never love me at all that he doesn't feel that I am part of him to support to when I need his support right now?

I have been actively looking for a job now and up-to-date, I received no interview from anyone. I think most companies do not want to hire me because I do not have a very strong working experience here plus I do not have a local college degree. I am also not a very skilled person. I do not very simple basic graphic and web design and some basic Office suite applications. I try to be proactive by improving my already know skills through self study over the internet. Again, most of the time, I get so demotivated when I think of my day to day problems. I don't know when I will be running out of funds to support myself and I don't even know when my boyfriend will kick me out from his house one day.

I really don't know what to do now. I am all lost with no direction in life. Shall I just give up my life and kill myself instead? I am such a total failure. I don't even know what to do now to get back on to my feet. I really need help and guidance.

-Anonymous New American


Reply

Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for your email. You sound extremely depressed due to the challenges you are facing. It is extremely important that you go into counseling in your area. If you have thoughts of hurting yourself you need to find help right away. I believe you have so much to live for and you could potentially be in a good job, a happy relationship and enjoy your life. It might take time but please do not give up. I have seen people so depressed they felt there was no reason to go on. They then seeked help and there whole life turned around. For every situation, there are ways to handle them so you can reclaim your life. I also know how hard it is to be new to a country but there must have been reasons you came. Do they include the object to have a better life, more ability to live in abundance, and happiness? If so, you need to begin to start searching for them. Your husband and you should work on your marriage if you want it to continue. He needs to know how sad you are and that you are not feeling well. In some Asian cultures pride is one of the most important aspects of life. Here in America, we each need to work hard to solve our problems and to recognize when we need assistance. You need to get help right away so that you can improve yourself and handle your depression. I've seen people completely change their lives and become happy. You can be one of those people. I would be happy to work with you or help you to find someone in your area. Please email me so I can help you find more care.

Thank you,

Blake Le Vine, LMSW